It seems that we have been very much convinced from a young age that we don’t take anything from this world along to the next.
However, there is one thing you do take along, your spouse.
According to the Gemurah, you will share a place in the next world with your spouse, including at the end of times after Tchiyas Hameisim (Resurrection of the dead).
Put the effort in to make your relationship meaningful and the best it can be, as it will last forever!
If you don’t want to share eternity with your spouse, just follow the Torah and do the mitzvah in Kedushin of divorce so you can find someone who you do want to share eternity with.
Speaking of the world to come, did you know that in the Torah there is no mention of Gehenim (hell). Instead, the Torah mentions that if one is good, they will have good in this world, but if one sins and does not repent, they will be punished in this world. As we say this in our daily prayers in Ani Mamin every day, אני מאמין באמונה שלימה שהבורא יתברך שמו גומל טוב לשומרי מצוותיו ומעניש לעוברי מצוותיו I believe with complete faith that the Creator, blessed be His name, rewards those who observe His commandments, and punishes those who transgress His commandments.
Our goal is to live for the greater purpose, to serve Hashem and follow His commandments. He designed the world so that we can enjoy it, but there is reward and punishment in this world according to our deeds.
We elaborate on this topic in our daily prayers of Eli Devarim where it discusses the mitzvahs that have unlimited reward and other Mitzvahs for which the interest reward we get in this world and the principal reward for the Mitzvah is received in the world to come.
The Torah uses the word Gan Eden for this world when Adam was created Hashem placed him in Gan Eden where he was ordered to work the land. Hashem put us into this world to serve him, by doing his commands, and to work the land in order to keep the world going on a physical level and Hashem sustains us by giving us life, strength and the ability to keep going.
The Gemurah mentions the “next world” but does not go into details about what that means. For example: The Gemurah in Ta’anis 24:a, tells the story of Chanina ben Dosa who was very poor. Rabbi Ḥanina’s wife said to him: Until when will we continue to suffer this poverty? He said to her: What can we do? She responded: Pray for mercy that something will be given to you from Heaven. He prayed for mercy, and something like the palm of a hand emerged and gave him one leg of a golden table. That night, his wife saw in a dream that in the future, i.e., in the World-to-Come, the righteous will eat at a golden table that has three legs, but she will be eating on a table that has two legs.
When she told her husband this story, he said to her: Are you content that everyone will eat at a complete table, and we will eat at a defective table? She said to him: But what can we do? Pray for mercy, that the leg of the golden table should be taken from you. He prayed for mercy, and it was taken from him. A Tanna taught that the second miracle was greater than the first, as Hashem gives, but does not take, back.
What happens if one spouse is righteous and the other one is not. How can the two sit together in the same Gan Eden (garden of Eden)?
In school, we are taught the importance that a wife has to assist her husband in learning Torah. We were told to make sure he does not have to miss his daily shiur by using him as a babysitter etc.
There was one question I heard many married women ask from educators at lectures: They are willing to sacrifice, so their husbands’ are Kove’a Itim La’Torah, but their husbands’ simply don’t do so.
Some women expressed frustration over the fact that they are doing their part of being a good wife and enable learning, but their husbands don’t want to learn. They feel that they are growing spiritually, but their husbands do not. Since husband and wife will be together in Gan Eden, they feel that they are missing out on being in a good place in Gan Eden as reward for their sacrifice for his learning Torah.
Furthermore: I had a neighbor who I highly respected and admired, she is a very smart and spiritual person who was a child during the Holocaust and lost her parents. She had a difficult life. She took great pride and comfort in the wonderful children she raised. Sadly, her husband left her with young children and refused to give her a get, leaving her an Agunah and unable to marry someone else.
Her children and many others tried to put pressure on the man to give a get, but he refused.
She told me several times that the only thing bothering her very deeply about being an Agunah is that since she is still halachically married to the man, she will have to share a place with him in the world to come.
This concept of husband and wife being in the same place in Gan Eden regardless of the growth one of them is doing on their own is hard for many people to grasp.
One day, I witnessed a scene which I think explains this concept of being in Gan Eden together, very well.
An elderly couple was at a hotel when the husband spotted an elderly woman who was an old neighbor of theirs in another country, many years earlier. Together, the couple went over to her. After a short conversation, the wife walked away, but her husband continued speaking and reminiscing about the past.
The elderly man was so excited, he seemed to have been transported back to a place and time that was filled with great memories.
The wife on the other hand was very unhappy with the way her husband was talking to this elderly former neighbor. She came over to me, she was furious, and grinding her teeth at the scene of her husband immensely enjoying the conversion with the other woman.
It was at that moment I understood the depth of the concept that two people being in the same situation can have such opposite reactions. For the husband this was a piece of Gan Eden while for the wife watching this, it was Gehenim.
This is likely how it is in Gan Eden, the thing that will be a reward for one spouse can be the punishment for the other.
The man who refused to give the get, (divorce) may have to be with his wife. However, he will be forced to watch her enjoying the rewards for accepting her lot, her sacrifices and her strong Emunah in Hashem regardless of her situations in life. Being forced to watch his estranged wife enjoying her great rewards for the pain he caused her, can be the biggest Gehenim and punishment for him.
Hashem never instructed us to change our spouse. He commanded us to work on ourselves and follow the Torah. We have to learn Torah, it can be via listening to lectures that help us grow in Torah, Mitzvahs and in our role as אשתו כגופו to become one with our spouse without trying to change or remold the other.
When you do the inner work without allowing your spouse’s actions pull you down, the result of this will be that you will enjoy your place in this world and in the world to come.
This concept is also seen often in this world. You sometime see a couple in the same situation. One spouse has peace, joy and happiness in the simple things in life, while the other has no peace and is constantly running after things to find a bit of happiness. How is that possible? Maybe because one has worked on themselves and has done certain Mitzvahs for which they are being rewarded by Hashem with inner peace and happiness.
We have seen this concept with families making Aliyah. One spouse settles quickly, finds friends, an educator (Rabbi or Rebbetzin) community, and a great job, while the other spouse keeps struggling. When speaking to them, you will hear that the spouse who moved to Israel to be close to Hashem will be rewarded with peace and happiness relatively quickly. While the spouse who only came after being persuaded or pressured into moving to Israel will not settle down until they work on their connection with their spouse and come close to Hashem.
What feels like Gan Eden for one spouse can be like Gehenim for the other spouse, it all depends on our own actions and what we do to better ourselves, one day at a time.
