We live in a world with billions of people, and in order to have a good marriage, all you need is to find that one person who can love and respect you for who you are.
Let’s see what the Torah says when it comes to finding a spouse.
The בנות צלפחד 5 daughters of a man named Zelophehad who was from the tribe of Menasha Ben Yosef died without leaving any sons behind.
According to the Torah, when a couple gets married, they become one, and as a result, their properties merge and the woman becomes part of her husband’s tribe.
In order for Menasha’s tribe not to loss the inherited portion of land in Israel, Hashem told Moisha the following in Bamidbar, Parshas Masei Chapter 36 Pasuk 6:
זֶ֣ה הַדָּבָ֞ר אֲשֶׁר־צִוָּ֣ה יְהֹוָ֗ה לִבְנ֤וֹת צְלׇפְחָד֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר לַטּ֥וֹב בְּעֵינֵיהֶ֖ם תִּהְיֶ֣ינָה לְנָשִׁ֑ים אַ֗ךְ לְמִשְׁפַּ֛חַת מַטֵּ֥ה אֲבִיהֶ֖ם תִּהְיֶ֥ינָה לְנָשִֽׁים׃
This is what the LORD has commanded concerning the daughters of Zelophehad: They may marry anyone they wish, provided they marry into a clan of their father’s tribe.
Hashem ordered that the daughters of Zelophehad chose ANYONE לַטּ֥וֹב בְּעֵינֵיהֶ֖ם anyone who they like from their own tribe.
If there was such a thing as a predestined shidduch, bashert, Hashem would have told Moisha specifically which five men to take as husbands for the 5 daughters of Zelophehad.
This was not the case as Hashem instructed the women to choose whoever they want to marry.
Finding a life partner is our choice, and we need to take responsibility to figure out what kind of spouse we need so we can have a Torah marriage filled with oneness, love and spiritual growth.
When you ask young men and women who are starting the shidduch scene what they are looking for in a partner, 95% of the time they will respond that they are looking for “someone with good middos.”
What does good middos mean to you?
Did you ever attend a funeral where they discussed a deceased who was not a good person with great middos? Of course not!
We are here in the world to work on ourselves. Once a person reaches perfection, they go back to the world of truth until the time of Techiyas Hameisim.
Every human being is special in their own way and everyone has some middos they are excellent at and some they need to work on.
There is a popular misconception in looking for a marriage partner, “opposites attract.” Maybe, in some cases, opposites attract, but they don’t make for a good pair and cannot stay together as a strong bond.
The closer you are in nature with your spouse, the more harmonies your marriage and life will be.
Here is how to start:
In order to find the perfect spouse for yourself, you need to do soul-searching first to know who you are as a human being. It may take months of soul-searching to figure yourself out, but if you put the deep thought and effort into it, the results will be great.
What are your:
Your likes and dislikes
Your positives and negatives traits
Your strengths and weaknesses
Are you a morning or night person
Are you an indoors or outdoors kind of person
What do you have to offer another person
What can you live without
What is your must-have in a partner
How would you like to use your finances? Are you a spender, or a saver?
There are no right or wrong answers. If you know who you are, you will be able to find a person who is very similar in nature, character traits and interests to you, leading to a very loving, happy and fulfilling marriage.
You have to figure yourself out if you want a friendship marriage or partnership marriage.
For a friendship marriage, you need someone with very similar character traits to yours. Someone who you can click with and can be your best friend and confidant. You both have to be trustworthy, caring and devoted to each other.
If you want a partnership marriage, you need an iron clad “contract” to clearly define who does what in the marriage.
When looking for a spouse, people don’t realize how important it is being financially compatible as money issues seems to be one of the greatest source of tension in marriages.
Having a spouse with the opposite spending habits does not work, and it makes both very miserable. A spender may see their spouse as stingy for wanting to be financially responsible, while the saver will feel cheated if their spouse spends their hard-earned income on stuff they feel is unnecessary.
In addition, are you proactive or reactive by nature? Are you an early bird, morning person or a last minute, late night person? These are natures that are extreme opposites and cause a lot of tension in marriages. There are two types of people, some are proactive and always think ahead, while others are reactive and only deal with an issue once an issue comes up.
A proactive person is organized, and will do things in advance to influence a situation. While a reactive person waits for things to happen and only then do they take action. For example, a proactive police officer will try to prevent crimes before it happens, whereas a reactive police officer will only respond to a crime once it has been committed.
A proactive person is usually an early bird in every aspect in life, and organized. They have more options and choices as time is on their side, as well as time to change their plans if needed. While a reactive person usually does only what is demanded at that time and when they have no other choice, and at the last minute possible. Life for a reactive person is more stressful, and they spend a lot more money as they are always forced to buy what is left and pay a lot to clean up the mess caused by the action that happened due to lack of problem-solving before issues arise.
Being proactive, an early bird and a morning person, (getting up early), usually go hand in hand the same way that being a reactive, a last minute and a night person (functioning best at night), go together.
There is no right or wrong nature, Hashem created the world with people of both natures because the world needs both. When two people have the same sets of natures and mindset, they are very happy and content together.
You need to be as specific as possible with yourself while soul-searching and self-discovery for the best success.
