It is always surprising to hear people in unhappy marriages claim that they are staying married “for the kids.”
Parents want to give their children the best life possible, and this may lead to their decision to sacrifice their own happiness and emotional well-being and stay together in an unhappy marriage. Conflict, however, does more harm to children than divorce.
I have spoken to many children who left the fold who are “off the derech.” While there are many combinations (emotional and physiological issues, learning disabilities or the way kids are treated in the chinuch system) that push them to this point, there was one common thread with all these kids. Their parents did not have good marriages.
In some cases, husbands and wives who don’t get along, don’t care enough for each other or outright dislike the other to the point where they ignore or harm the other emotionally.
סוטה יז, א דרש רבי עקיבא- איש ואישה זכו- שכינה בניהם. לא זכו- אש אוכלתם
In Gemurah Sota, 17 a, Rabbi Akiva taught: If a man Ish and woman Isha are peaceful they merit reward, the Divine Presence rests between them. The words Ish and Isha are almost identical; the difference between them is the middle letter Yod in Ish, and the final letter Heh in Isha. These two letters can be joined to form the name of God spelled Yod, Heh. But when there is no peace in the home, the Divine Presence departs, leaving in each word only the letters Alef and shin, which spell Esh, fire. Therefore, fire consumes them.
Once the Divine Presence departs due to the fire of Machlokes, (fights) that fire consumes the spiritually in the home. The lack of Kedusha in the home will then have a negative affect their children’s spirituality.
In extreme but not uncommon cases, one parent speaks badly about the other, or they are not on speaking terms and get the children involved to relay messages when they want to say something to the other spouse.
These actions distance children from their parents and everything they hold dear.
Kids from homes of unhappy marriages, in some cases don’t want to get married or worse as the more sensitive children, leave Yiddishkeit because they cannot imagine themselves living a life of misery.
Seeing their parents unhappy (even if they don’t fight in front of the children) children assume (sometime subconsciously) that Yiddenshkeit and a Kosher marriage is difficult and comes with too much stress and unhappiness.
No one willingly wants to get into a lifetime of misery.
In many cases, the “shidduch crises” people are referring to is not a shidduch crises as much as a marriage crisis because children from unhappy marriages are afraid to get married.
I found that many times, they cannot put their finger on what is wrong with their dating experiences because they don’t realize how subconsciously they are so afraid that they will choose the wrong spouse, which can lead to a life of misery.
Children from divorced homes on the other hand strive to be better husbands and wives so they can create happy homes for themselves and their families.
The younger a child is when parents divorce, the better and more stable and happy they will grow up to be.
Children will be in pain over a divorce, as they love both parents and want support from both at the same time. However, subconsciously, they also want both parents to be happy so they would rather have two happy parents living apart than two miserable parents who cannot get along creating an unhappy and tense environment for all.
Divorced parents remember: Hashem sees the scarifies you are making, and he will reward you accordingly. If ex-spouses respect the rights of one another to see, love and support their children on their own terms and in their own way without you speaking negatively about the other (neither in front of the kids nor when they are not around, and you keep any negative discussion about your ex-spouse off limits even those close to you then you will see great סיעתא דשמיא Divine providence in raising very happy and well-adjusted children.
Although it is never easy, when your ex-spouse remarries, remember that allowing your children to bond and create a loving relationship with your ex-spouse and his/or her new partner is not a threat to you. Your children will have more people who love and support them. No one can take your place as the biological parent in their world or in the world to come.
Even when one parent is no longer as religious as you are, don’t worry too much. Allow your children to spend time with their other parent. Children are very smart and understanding. Exposing them to different ways of life will not make them go to the “other side.” It is love and a happy home that will make them chose their lifestyle. If your home is a happy one, where no Loshen Hara (gossip) is spewed, then they will want your way of life.
Often-times, when the children who were kept away from one parent grow up or get married, it backfires on the one who raised them. They often blame and accuse the parent who raised them of taking away the love and support they deserved by distancing them from the other parent for their own gain, and this puts a huge strain between the parent and child.
Some of these children go out and find the second parent on their own. They will then connect with them and enjoy a deep and long-lasting relationship. Others just shut down emotionally and have a hard time connecting emotionally with anyone else, even with their own spouse and children once they themselves get married.
The best option is of course if possible to create a happy home in your current marriage.
I recently heard a talk show On Torahanytime by Mrs. Leah Richeimer for frum women. Se was interviewing Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik– Turn Your Husband Into Your Soulmate. Rebbetzin Palatnik discussed the topic of how you can know if you married your zivug or bashert see the video here.
Several women asked the Rebbetzin how they know if they married the wrong guy, while another woman asked if she is right for putting her husband last since he is the adult, and he can take care of himself while the children need her.
This was very sad to hear.
- A woman who lives with the nagging question if they married the wrong man will never be able to create a happy home for their children.
If you question your marriage, it means that you are not happy. Give yourself the gift of finding peace in your heart. This can only be done with soul-searching.
You need to either commit to your marriage and decide that the man you married is the right one for you and put in the work by changing yourself in whichever area you can to make the marriage a peaceful place for yourself and your spouse.
Otherwise, you need to learn Hilchos Gittin and preform the mitzvah of divorce, which Hashem commanded you to do when no longer love your spouse.
It is very important that you do the work of soul-searching to get to know yourself and to make the changes of your character traits as needed. Otherwise, you never find happiness in life.
2. For women who think they can put their children ahead of their husbands, this is not the Torah way. Hashem commands a woman to leave the parent’s home and “cleave onto their husbands” The mitzvah of כיבוד אב ואם (respecting your parents) is suspended for the woman, and she is commanded to put her husband ahead of everyone.
A husband and wife must always be number one in their marriage and in each other’s lives.
It does not matter if they are in a “friendship relationship” or a “partnership relationship” spouses must ALWAYS be a priority in each other lives in order to build a healthy and happy home for their children. Otherwise, they risk losing their children to the streets or to a life of misery for the above-mentioned reasons.
For more on this topic, see here
