A very common question Jewish women ask, what is a wife’s role in the family finances?
After all, in the Ksiba that is signed and read aloud under the chuppah, the husband obligates himself to support his family financially.
So what is the wife’s role?
The Gemarah relates a custom that when a man gets married, he was asked, Matza or Motzeh? Did you find a woman who is good or bitter?
ברכות ח׳ א:ט׳-י
בְּמַעְרְבָא כִּי נָסֵיב אִינָשׁ אִתְּתָא, אָמְרִי לֵיהּ הָכִי: ״מָצָא״ אוֹ ״מוֹצֵא״? ״מָצָא״ דִּכְתִיב: ״מָצָא אִשָּׁה מָצָא טוֹב וַיָּפֶק רָצוֹן מֵה׳״, ״מוֹצֵא״ דִּכְתִיב: ״וּמוֹצֶא אֲנִי מָר מִמָּוֶת אֶת הָאִשָּׁה״
They would ask the groom whether the appropriate passage for his wife is the above verse from Proverbs that begins with the word Matza, as it is written: “He who finds a wife finds good and obtains favor from the Lord” or whether the more appropriate verse is the one beginning with the word Motzeh, as it is written in Kohelet 7:26. “And I find [motzeh] the woman more bitter than death”
What is the Torah’s definition of a good woman?
Every Friday night before kiddish, Jewish men all across the world sing the powerful song of Aishes chayil. The age-old question of אֵשֶׁת חַֽיִל מִי יִמְצָא A woman of valor who can find?
These words were written by Sloima Hamelech (King Solomon) משלי, ל”א where he teaches us the characters of what the Torah considers to be a good woman.
While every woman strives to be a good wife, many lack the knowledge or understanding of what that really means.
The words of Aishes Chayil describes a businesswoman who is not lazy. A mother of children, who wakes up early every morning to work, and by doing so, her husband and children are not afraid of the cold, as they have warm clothes and all their needs taken care of. Because of her work, her husband can be counted as one of the community leaders.
בָּֽטַח בָּהּ לֵב בַּעְלָהּ, וְשָׁלָל לֹא יֶחְסָר Her husband puts his confidence in her, and he had no lack.
גְּמָלַ֣תְהוּ ט֣וֹב וְלֹא־רָ֑ע כֹּ֝֗ל יְמֵ֣י חַיֶּֽיהָ׃ She is good to him, never bad, All the days of her life.
How is this accomplished? How can a wife reach a level where her husband can put his confidence and trust in her, so much so that he knows that her spending habits are so good that he will not be lacking anything, including peace of mind and menuches hanefesh?
Let me give you an example: A woman invited my family member, who is a relative of hers via marriage, and me to see her new home.
After seeing the home, the two women discussed how she managed to build such a big, custom designed home. After all, this woman did not work, she was a stay-at-home mom to a large family and her husband was the sole breadwinner.
Her response and outlook in life is something that had a profound impact on me, and we can all learn from. She said: There is an old Yiddish saying א גוטע בעל הבאסטה איז א האלבע פרנסה that translates to “A good housewife is half an income.” She said: a good wife is careful with the money and helps stretch the family finances.
This woman explained how she does in order to accomplish this:
1)Always fix clothing as soon as you see an issue. A stitch in time saves 9. If you see a loose button or hem hanging, sit down and fix it immediately. She went on to explain that one should never put the clothes on a mending pile to wait for you to get around. Doing so causes the clothes to be out of use and limits the clothing supply, which can lead you to spend more money buying extra clothes.
2) She highlighted the importance of meal planning and grocery shopping with a clear list.
Make a weekly or biweekly meal plan and list all food ingredients needed.
When shopping, make sure to stick to your list.
Don’t look at sale items unless it is something you often use for meals, don’t overstock.
Don’t shop when you are hungry, make sure to eat before leaving your home.
Don’t take children to the supermarket.
Be an educated buyer, know the prices of the items that you buy frequently.
Compare prices of brands and sizes, so you can get the most for your money.
3)Before each Chag check each child’s wardrobe to see what is needed. Make sure each child gets something new. Don’t buy a whole new wardrobe if the clothes they have are still good.
This is especially true when it comes to younger children who are happy with whatever they have and any new article of clothes or shoes makes them just as happy.
Note: this woman put a lot of emphasis on the way her children looked and dressed. They were always perfectly neat, in tip-top shape and put together.
She learned how to spot good clothing at low prices.
She said that she took great pride in caring for the clothes, washing and ironing them in ways that preserve the clothes to look their best all the time.
Furthermore, she took pride and responsibility in her chosen “career path”, as being a stay-at-home mother. She who worked to “climb the ladder” and being the best at everything this “job” entails.
Even though no one handed her a check at the end of the month, because of her careful and mindful spending, she actually had money in her budget left over to put away in savings.
It is the husband’s obligation to bring home the money, it is the wife’s obligation to spend it wisely within the means of what Hashem sent her family.
The Gemurah speaks about many women, the wives of great Torah scholars, who worked and ran businesses outside the home.
Businesswomen are praised in Aishes Chayil: זָמְמָה שָׂדֶה וַתִּקָּחֵהוּ, מִפְּרִי כַפֶּיהָ נָטְעָה כָּֽרֶם She sets her mind on an estate and acquires it; She plants a vineyard by her own labors.
A woman should never feel helpless in her family’s finances. Every woman has choices, and her decisions will impact the family’s future.
A woman can take control by looking at her spending habits and controlling her desires for material things. Every husband wants to give his wife the world, and he tries his best to do just that. However, he can only provide the money Hashem has sent to him.
The wife can take control by either becoming very efficient in running her home and finances, as aforementioned, or she can look into doing something to supplement the income. For more on this topic, click here.
It is inappropriate for a wife to “bury her head in the sand” and use the family credit cards as though there is no limit or obligation to make the payments very soon.
Remember: every time you shop online or in store, with each swipe of that credit card, you are losing money that could have been put away for the safety net or a home etc.
Sadly, there are women who, for various reasons, have a hard time dealing with or even knowing about her family’s finances. In such cases, it would be wise for the husband to allocate specific amounts of money for household needs such as grocery, clothing, etc. He can use either debit cards, checks, store credit or envelopes with cash specifically designed for each category.
The Torah warns against borrowing money when one does not know how we will repay. Such money does not have hatzlacha.
פסחים · קיב א
תנא דבי אליהו אע”פ שאמר ר”ע עשה שבתך חול ואל תצטרך לבריות אבל עושה הוא דבר מועט בתוך ביתו מאי נינהו אמר רב פפא כסא דהרסנא
Someone who borrows, without knowing how he can repay, is called a rushe.
מ”ג תהלים לז כא
לוה רשע ולא ישלם
A woman who causes her husband to borrow money because she does not want to be involved in family finances and be financially responsible, and does not want to curb her spending, is causing harm to her family as they are consuming food bought with halachically questionable or stolen money.
Rashi in Gemurah Shabbos 32-b – 33a says:
דאכלן ולא עבדן – ונמצא שגוזלות את בעליהן ועוד מתוך שמלומדות במאכל ובמשתה גורמות לבעלים לגזול
A woman who does not work and spends her husband’s money in is stealing from him.
Furthermore, the Torah warns, If a woman refused to be financially responsible, she does not contribute to the household and/or she does not live within the means, the Torah holds her equally responsible for pushing her husband into stealing from others.
Take responsibility today, so you have a happier tomorrow.
