This week, while my husband and I were walking our daughter to school, a car stopped in the middle of the road. The driver, a man who we never saw before, rolled down his window and said to us “you are the sweetest family.”
Apparently, he sees us walking together and enjoying each other’s company while he is driving to and from work.
I figured it was time to share some tips so you too can have the type of marriage in which you want to be with your spouse all the time.
Everyone wants a great marriage. However, it seems that many people have a misunderstanding what a marriage means for them and of how to get what they want out of the marriage.
No matter how old you are and/or how many years you were already married, you can always start building the loving and supportive relationship you want and deserve.
I believe Hashem created twins, so that we know how a couple should get to the highest point of connection together. Twins are very close with each other and are inseparable whether the same or very different.
There are twins who are identical. They look and act the same and they see the world from the same lens. These sets of twins can finish each other’s sentences and they know exactly what the other wants or needs at any giving time.
Other twins, which seems to be more common, are not so alike. They don’t look very much alike and their style and natures are different. They enjoy different things, have different opinions and they see the world from a different lens. Yet they are very connected and inseparable.
One thing all twins have in common is that they would give their life for their twin. They are very protective over their twin and spend hours talking. Even after both get married, twins remain very close and discuss everything even the most private things that are going on in their lives.
The best secret for a great marriage is to see your spouse as your twin.
First you have to know what it is that you want out of the marriage.
If you are not married yet and looking for a spouse, look for someone who is very similar in nature to you so you can have this “twin style” loving relationship.
There are two types of marriages:
- A friendship – which is a oneness and closeness, a special bond with your spouse.
- A partnership – where spouses are opposites and each one has specific jobs / roles in the marriage, like a business partnership.
In this article we will discuss the first type, how to create a marriage of friendship.
When a person gets married, each one has expectations, dreams and hopes and everyone goes into the marriage expecting to build the home they envisioned.
However, we are not dealing with objects and there are no instruction booklets on how to handle your specific spouse. We are dealing with human beings who have their own sets of expectations, baggage, needs, wants, dream and hopes.
The biggest mistake in marriage
The biggest mistake people make right from the start is giving the spouse emotionally and physically what we would like to get or what we think they would like.
Think about the times you went out of your way to do something special for your spouse only to be rejected or turned down. This happened because you gave your spouse what you thought they want instead of what they really wanted.
How can this be corrected so that you have a great marriage?
With a new couple, I advise them to use the entire first year for the following exercise to build the best foundation for marriage.
However, it is never too late to build a great friendship in marriage as long we live it is worth the effort to build a relationship in which you love and are loved for who we are.
The goal for a marriage of friendship
The goal is to do as many things with your spouse together that both of you enjoy and take pleasure in. This way you look forward to spending time with each other.
How to reach the goal
For the next 6 months to a year, put all your needs aside (gasp, I know but believe me it is so well worth it). During this time focus fully and deeply on discovering and learning about the person you are married to.
See what makes them tick and try new things on/with them.
What makes them happy or sad.
What they like and dislike.
What are their interests and passions.
What makes them wake up happy in the morning and go to sleep with a smile on their face.
What type of music do they like
What speaks to their soul
At the same time, discover yourself by doing soul-searching. Take the above list and figure out what creates inner happiness for you without depending on an outside source such as another person or thing.
Explore and take chances with yourself, try listening to new Torah speakers, new style of music, and find new friends whose thought process and world are similar to yours. You can only achieve this by never judging people by their outside/dress code and looks, only their inside.
Do it now, do it for yourself, so you have a more meaningful life and marriage.
Discovering what makes your spouse tick will be an eye-opener for you. You may discover that what they want is much cheaper and easier to give than what you thought they want from you.
Is there something you are doing that drives your spouse nuts? It may be something simple (or hard) for you and will mean a lot to them if you change the habit.
Sometimes a man buys his wife an expensive gift when all she wanted and would appreciate more than anything in the world is your listening ear or kind word of praise or encouragement.
Maybe instead of taking her out for dinner, she would like you to bring home a simple supper, eat at home and help her clean up and chat while folding the laundry together.
Women: instead of going out for lunch maybe your husband would like for you to come to his workplace so you can to see where he is spending his day working hard. This way you can have a greater appreciation for his sacrifice for your family.
Yes, you can also bring along lunch and eat with him in the same place where he eats every day. (It may not be a very nice site or place. You will gain insight and appreciation that your husband eats here on a daily basis. This may lead you to feel more compassionate and pack him a nice lunch and add a sweet note so his day is brightened by your love and caring.)
What are their interests? Research it and read up on it so you can share interesting conversations on the issues your partner cares about. You may find out why this subject means a lot to them, and you may be surprised that you can enjoy that too.
When my husband finished Shas with the Daf Yomi cycle in 2019, I began planning a celebration to honor the Torah, his love for learning, the knowledge he gained, and to show my appreciation and admiration for his determination of his learning every single day.
While preparing, I thought why am I not learning Gemurah every single day in order to know the Torah laws.
The Torah talks about many women who were prophets and learned people. In the Gemarah, the Rabbis speak about learned women with great respect and the opinions of those women were discussed in Yeshiva and were accepted as the correct opinion in many cases.
I started by going to sefaria.org.il, where they have the entire Torah with English translation.
Torahanytime.com, where they have hundreds of speakers with thousands of lectures on every topic and many languages. You can search by speaker or by topic. Once you find a speaker you like you can search their page for a specific topic. They also allow you to create a custom list of speakers you like for easy access to your favorite Torah classes.
I enjoyed lectures by Rabbi Gil Freidman on Gemurah as these are very clear and fast-paced.
After listening to the lectures, I discussed the fascinating topics and ideas with my husband and we both enjoyed it very much. When my husband saw how much I enjoy learning the Daf and how well I understand it, he offered to be my study partner! This is the best and most rewarding learning time I have ever experienced. We learn together every day with great joy. My husband always has fascinating Torah thoughts on Parsha and Gemurah many of which I use in my lectures.
We also get to make the syimim together with our children who very often join us when we learn the Daf and they enjoy it too. Furthermore, we love hearing their questions and understanding of the Daf. This is true Yiddish Nachas.
You can have this too. Sadly, too many people connect by talking about other people. Find speakers or rabbis whose style your spouse likes to listen to or read articles from.
Does your partner like a good story, a good משל (parable) or positive quotes that are uplifting? Listening to lectures by speakers who use interesting stories.
Discussing Torah will always bring a couple closer, and inspiration and conversation will flow nicely.
This will leave both of you happy and feeling good. Talking about other people’s lives. will leave you feeling empty and many times jealous of what you assume their lives are all about.
Live as you are married to your twin:
Twins, no matter how different they are, don’t get hurt or upset over stuff, word that were said or things that were done because their love for one another is so strong that it becomes second nature for them to be דון לכף זכות give the benefit of the doubt.
Furthermore, what I found fascinating, is that if twin #1 does something to offend or hurt an outsider, twins #2 will defend twin #1 even when twin #1 is not around. Their connection and caring for one another is that strong.
You can have that too in marriage. Start by caring, defending and being דון לכף זכות your spouse just like you would do for yourself and the way a twin would do and defend their sibling in their own heart and mind and to others.
You always know the reasoning and logic behind things you do even when it turns out to be unpleasant to another person. You want others to understand you and your reasons for your actions. Give this benefit of the doubt to your spouse.
Try not getting upset over things, look at the bigger picture and purpose of life.
When something upsets or bothers you, think like this; if you look back in a week from now will this issue still make you upset? If the answer is no then let it go.
If the answer is yes, make sure to take the time to work it out in your own heart and if needed, when you and your spouse are in a good mood, rested and well-fed. Discuss it nicely without accusation but for the sake of resolution with your spouse.
If, after doing the above for about a year or so and you find that you don’t enjoy their company, you don’t like being around them, or you cannot find common things that you both enjoy, you should change to a partnership marriage see here.
However, if a partnership marriage does not work for you, it is time to learn Hilchos Gittin and preform the mitzvah of divorce, which Hashem commanded you to do when longer in love with your spouse.
It is very important to note that you must do the work of soul-searching to get to know yourself and to make the changes of your character traits as needed. Otherwise, you will never find happiness in life.
There is a parable of a little bird that flew from one nest to the next. At each nest, it complained that everyone smells. Until a big bird told the little bird that it needs to examine itself as it is the one carrying the smell around wherever it flies.
Make sure to work on your middos and character traits. Maybe you have a trait that no spouse will tolerate. For example: people who are stubborn and want things to go their way will not always realize how stubborn or controlling they are. If they don’t change and let go, they will not be happy in any marriage. Make sure you change yourself and become the best person you can FOR your own sake and for your own happiness.
Children from divorced homes are much better off and grow up healthier than kids from homes where parents don’t get along and there is no love between the parents.
Children from divorced homes strive to be better husbands and wives so they can create happy homes for themselves and their families.
However, kids from an unhappy home, in some cases, don’t want to get married, or worse, the more sensitive children, leave Yiddishkeit because they cannot imagine themselves living a life of misery.
Seeing their parents unhappy (even if they don’t fight in front of the children) children assume (sometime subconsciously) that Yiddenshkeit and a Kosher marriage is difficult and comes with too much stress and unhappiness.
No one willingly wants to go into a lifetime of misery.
Children will be in pain by a divorce as they love both parents and want the support from both at the same time. However, they also want both parents to be happy so they would rather have two happy parents living apart than having two miserable parents who cannot get along, creating an unhappy and tense environment for all.
In many cases, the “shidduch crises” people are referring to is not so much a shidduch crises as much as a marriage crisis because children from unhappy marriages are afraid to get married.
I found that many times, young adults cannot put their finger on what is wrong with their dating experiences or point to exact reasons why they turn down potentially good matches, I believe this is because (subconsciously) they are so afraid that they will choose the wrong spouse, which can lead to a life of misery, hurt, sadness, loneliness or worse, constant fighting.
You deserve a life of happiness. Happiness is your choice. Chose wisely. Life is short. No one ever knows how much time they have in this world. Don’t push it off put. Put in the work as mentioned above. Do it for yourself, for your spouse, and for your children and so you can with Hashem’s help see a lot of naches from yourself, them and all their off springs.
