There is the age-old debate as to which is the better way to raise a family, Working Mom or Stay-at-home Mom.
Being on all sides of this coin, working outside the home, working from home and stay-from-home Mom as well as speaking to hundreds of mothers, I will share with you my findings.
The argument, pros and cons are as follows:
Stay-at-home Mom (SAHM) Non-working mother
Pros: Being a stay-at-home Mom allows for more time to bond with children. She also has the time to cook and bake fresh and healthy food, clean the home, and do the laundry daily. Providing for her children a great home to thrive in, leading to the greatest feeling of being the main nurturer and center of her children’s’ lives.
With no rush and no pressure, the stay-at-home Mom can allow her children to sleep later in the morning and to get them ready at their own pace more peacefully.
Stay-at-home Moms can give more attention to each child while doing homework or when the child just wants to talk. You have time to play with the children, do arts and crafts, or bake with them.
Cons: financial tension. I heard from many stay-at-home Moms that they feel guilty about not helping out financially and guilt for not being able to give their children more material things (sometimes as simple as more or nicer clothes and shoes).
Some mothers who are lucky enough to be stay-at-home Moms because their husbands bring home enough money to support the family comfortably, report that they don’t fee fulfilled or accomplished. This causes them to feel guilty as we are always told that motherhood should be very fulfilling and satisfying.
Another con is pushing things off for later. Since there is no rush to get somewhere other than to do the dishes and laundry, things get pushed off for later. Many times this causes housework to pile up and for the mother to ultimately feel overwhelmed and feel a loss of control as well as helplessness.
Often times, there is no pressure for a stay-at-home Mom to go to sleep at a reasonable hour as there is no pressure to get up very early.
I was surprised to hear from many stay-at-home Moms that they tend to sleep until the very last moment possible when they absolutely must get the kids up for school. This can cause hectic mornings, kids leaving the home without proper breakfast and often harried, screaming and crying.
As a result, the stay-at-home Mom feels very bad about herself because since she is not working outside the house, she feels that an unhappy child is a reflection of her work (which may or may not be true, leave the guilt out and try getting up a bit earlier to get the maximum pleasure and joy out of being a stay-at-home Mom).
Another popular and very big issue of tension that stay-at-home Moms face is that they are expected to keep the home clean and organized as well as warm dinner on the table on time since this is their primary job as homemaker.
When their husbands comes home or friends come over and see that laundry is piled up, dishes in the sink, and beds not made, the respect for housewife goes way down and people see them as “lazy” even when they have children at home to care for.
This also results in tension in marriages as the husband seems to feel cheated. Husbands have reported feeling that they have done their part in the marriage by working hard all day to support the family while the wife who dedicated her life to be a homemaker, is “failing” at her job and is not keeping up her end. This can easily change when the work-at-home mom will set herself scheduled time for each of her house chores, and she takes pride in her important accomplishments of being a good homemaker. Remember a clean house makes for a happy home.
Food for thought: a stay-at-home Mom is someone who stays home to raise her children and manage her household.
Yet, some stay-at-home mothers turn into stay-in-bed Moms, stay-on-the-couch Moms, stay-on-the-phone Moms, stay-on social-media Moms or stay-in the-malls Mom. This is a recipe for a life of misery and depression as well as children who do not want to follow in their mother’s footsteps or life choices.
Some non-working mothers spend too much time chatting on the phone, in the supermarket or just outside their home with siblings, friends, family and neighbors.
Having too much time leads these women to complain about their lives and looking for the bad on others, including their spouses, causing further harm to themselves, their self-respect in the eyes of others and to their marriage.
These empty talks take away or slows down valuable time from housework and leads to a lot of gossip, which is a grave sin, lots of hurt feelings and fights over the things that are said and/or understood the wrong way, and feelings of jealousy of the lives others they believe have.
In addition, at the end of the day, many women who are home all day with their children feel they need to “run away or need a break” from their kids so when their husband comes home after a long day at work, these mother dump their children and sometimes housework on their husband with the reasoning that “he needs to bond with his kids” or “they are his kids too after all” essentially forcing him to be the breadwinner by day and child carer at night.
This causes resentfulness from the husband who is left wondering what his wife did all day, and she truly does not have much to show for herself other than great stories about other people’s husbands and kids which she heard while gossiping all day.
If you are one of these women, it is a good idea for you to get a job even for just a few hours a day. Send the kids to a babysitter or playgroup while you work. This way you get a nice break from your kids, feel accomplished, make money, save yourself from the sin of gossiping and fighting. Get some extra household help to do the chores you are not fond of without being judged or seen as “lazy” for needing extra help.
Working Mom
Pros: Contributing to the family financially. Feeling good about the accomplishments at work. You get a chance to socialize with other adults and get compliments from coworkers and boss. Even when you are at a menial job, no day is wasted as you are being paid for your time and you’re able to support your family.
You are not expected to exert yourself as much for the community and other projects as everyone knows you are busy.
Your husband is more understanding if supper is not ready on time or housekeeping is not perfect. Your husband will be more willing to help out in housework and childcare as the wife is also contributing to household expenses.
Your husband will have tremendous respect for his wife who works outside the home and in addition running the home and caring for their children as he looks on, wonders and admires how she “does it all.”
Cons: You need a lot of discipline for yourself in planning ahead and constant decision-making of how to best spend your time and energy.
I found that working mothers carry a tremendous amount of guilt as they would have loved to serve freshly cooked food as well as bake cakes or cookies with their kids, an activity left for vacation days. Remember, your kids wants a happy and calm mother more than any elaborate food, dishes, or homemade cake.
Work from home Mom:
Pros: this allows for flexibility. This seems to be a great way to get the best of both worlds to be there for your kids and working.
During Covid19, when people were mostly working from home, many large companies reported that their employees were much more productive when working from home because:
1) They did not go through the stress of the morning rush at home or sitting in traffic while trying to make sure to make it to work on time.
2) More time for proper breakfast made for better concentration during work.
3) Less “Water cooler talk.” Skipping coffee breaks and chit-chat with coworkers left much more time for productive work.
Cons: lines get crossed with work and home life. Very heavy discipline is needed to juggle it all.
You need to take the time to prepare yourself a healthy breakfast so you can concentrate on work even when it is easier just to grab some junk food and rush to get the work done.
You need to rip yourself away from work when your baby wakes up from a nap or a child comes home from school. any people tend to sit at the computer until the work is completely done instead of taking the breaks to do the important things such as praying, eating healthy food, being there for your kids, and doing housework, all of which you envisioned for yourself when you got the stay-at-home work job.
Conclusion:
Whichever side you are on, a mother always seems to feel guilty as to the decision and second guesses herself thinking if she should take another route.
Hands down winner, work from home there is no downside. Even if you do something as running a babysitting group in your home. In this day and age, this is an easy and very much available option to be a career woman from home even with the biggest companies.
There is no right or wrong. Everyone does what works for their family. The first thing is to stop feeling guilty of the current choice you made, you can look to the “other side” and take some inspiration to adopt steps that will make your life and the life of your family even better and more loving.
Following are some tips each side can learn from the other and incorporate some of it into your life as you see fit.
What A working mother can learn from A stay-at-home mother:
Women choose to be stay-at-home mothers so they can be relaxed and spend quality time with their children. You can do so too. When you are home, make the most of the time bonding with your child. It is not about the quantity of time but the quality of time. Throughout the day, take 5 minutes to spend with each child. This will make you feel better about yourself and get to know how your child is doing.
Lead the conversation. For example, tell your child what you had for lunch and ask what they had.
Be open and allow your child to talk to you. Hear what he or she is saying without interjecting your feeling of guilt into it.
For example, if a child says that they were missing something for school, instead of feeling guilty that you forgot to put it into their backpack while you were so busy running to work, sympathize with them, give them a hug and let them know that you and them will together try to do better next time.
Don’t be hard so on yourself or your children. Try to make your and their time at home relaxed and enjoyable.
Concentrate on touching each of your children for a few moments while speaking with them like a hug or just a simple pat on the back or hand. Human touch is extremely important. If we don’t put our mind to it, we may not realize how little physical contact (not interactions, but touch) we have with a child.
What stay-at-home Moms can learn from working mothers:
Be organized and never push things off for later so you can truly enjoy and maximize your time devoted to raising your children.
Women who work are usually very organized. They have lists for everything that needs to be done including a grocery list. They can jot down any item that runs low. Stay-at-home Moms easily can do so too.
Clean laundry is always priority for every mother. For a working mother, some choose to do one load each night while other working mothers will have 5 – 7 sets of clothing for each child so they know they always have fresh clean clothes.
Stay-at-home Moms make yourself a specific time each morning to throw in one load and fold it as soon as it comes out of the dryer.
(Yes in Israel there are dryers and most Israeli households use them. If you see laundry hanging outside it is likely either a Yerushalimi woman who is used to doing it this way since childhood, and it is more comfortable doing this way out of habit or due to the popular belief that dryers ruin the clothing or it is an American who thinks that dryers are not available or too expensive both of which are not the case).
At night, no matter how tired the working mothers are, many will lay out the clothes and prepare snacks for the next day so the next morning runs smoothly. These actions are sometimes driven by guilt working mothers feel for “leaving her kids” while she goes out to work.
Many working mothers get up a bit earlier than needed so they can drink their cup of coffee peacefully before the kids get up. They then prepare the kids’ breakfast, (and if disciplined enough, sit down to eat with the kids to “steal” a few minutes of quality time with them before they go to school or babysitter.)
Most working mothers have fully stocked freezers, mostly with simple but healthy food. They prepare food once a week usually on their day off or they make double portions and freeze it while other times they prepare the dinner the night before and reheat when they arrive home.
Stay-at-home Moms try these tips above (without the guilt) and enjoy your relaxed mornings sending your kids out with a smile and welcome them home happily and well-organized.
The bottom line:
Whatever you chose, remember children are very flexible and adopt easily to the environment in which they are raised as long as the home is calm, clean and a comfortable place where they are encouraged to express themselves and share their thoughts and feelings without being judged. They will mostly grow up to be happy and well-adjusted adults.
Working mothers reported less depression than the stay-at-home moms. The most frequently reported source of stress for working mothers was not having enough time to do everything, whereas for non‐working mothers lack of social life was a major stressor.
