The Torah says that when there is peace and intimacy between the husband and wife, Hashem’s presence is in their home.
Yet, we see so many unhappy couples, whose home is filled with animosity, anger etc. as each spouse feels misunderstood. Couples in unhappy marriages push Hashem’s presence out of their home, as Hashem cannot stand to see his children fighting.
Every parent wants the best for their child. Every parent wants to see their child in a happy marriage. However, somehow, the standard in our generation became to look for the wrong things when searching for the best spouse for themselves or for their children.
The Torah in Bereshis says לא טוב היות אדם לבדו Hashem saw it was not good for a man to be alone, so he created an Ezer Kenegdo, a helper who is by his side. How can a woman help her husband if she is opposite and opposed to everything he wants? The woman, has to be someone who is on the same mental level as her husband, but at the same time, one who can see things from another angle.
Hashem gave women a different way of thinking and looking at things. This is so that she can help her husband see things from different angles, in order for him to be able to come to the best conclusions, NOT to use it against him or to change him.
The couple should be able to take any issue, have a deep conversation about it (not an argument). A woman has to articulate her understanding of the issue clearly in a way that will be pleasant to her husband. He must take her point seriously and think it through before they come to a mutual understanding and conclusion.
How can one reach this level of love and respect in their marriage? This is done by finding a marriage partner who is as much the same in nature as your child.
This can easily be done when using the “sock marriage” concept.
When washing socks, you have a big pile of socks to match up. Each sock is good in its own. Each sock is useful and has a purpose to be used with matching clothes.
Would you go to the pile of different colored socks and just pull out any two that come to your hand and put it on? No, of course not.
Would you put on one white long sock and one white short sock if they are the same fabric and print? Of course not.
Would you take one black and one white sock that are the same length and both match the outfit? Of course not.
Would you match up two black socks the same length and fabric, but with different prints? Maybe, if you are in a big rush and the sock is very similar, while wearing pants that will cover the sock.
Why is that so? Because you would look like a clown. Clowns mismatch their socks to look funny and to make people laugh.
Why not treat your marriage at least the way you do for your socks?
In order to help with the “shiddich crisis,” unhappy marriages and divorces, we need to start treating the shidduch process at least with the amount of care we give to our socks.
There is a “pile” of boys and girls out there, each one unique and special in their own way. Don’t just “put your hand in the pile” and pick one who is good-looking or from a good family. Look for a specific “pair” that fits best for your child and not for yourself.
Every parent sees their child as the best in the world. However, parents are also the only ones who know their child’s weaknesses well. Pair your child with a spouse who has the same “fabric and patterns,” the same natures, strengths and weaknesses as your child.
The more accurate you match the natures, especially the weaknesses of your child, the happier their marriage and lives will be.
A famous speaker said that being married to someone with the same nature is “boring”.
I was shocked with this assumption. We know that twins, who are very much alike, love each other so much and have a hard time being apart. Twins share the deepest and unbreakable bond.
It seems that Hashem created twins so that we can learn a lesson on how a marriage should look and be like.
The more similar a couple is, the stronger their bond. Regardless, a Jewish life is never boring. Couples constantly need to make decisions together. There is B”H always Yomim Tovim and Simchas. They need to be on the same page on which school and yeshiva to send their kids to and which community to live in. The more they are similar in natures and mind-sets, the easier their life decisions will be.
The further apart their natures are, the more they will argue about every small detail in life and each can feel cheated, unhappy and feeling forced to give in. This leaves the home filled with tension and the Hashem’s presence is pushed out of their lives.
Once the home lacks the divine presence, everything goes downhill quickly. Kids will feel the lack of kedusha in the home, and they will be the most effected from the negative environment.
In any case, it is much better to have a boring happy marriage than a drama filled difficult marriage in which fighting and shouting are the norm.
