The first rule in a marriage needs to be that everyone in the family, spouse, father, mother, children, siblings or in-laws etc. is allowed to have an “off day” once in a while. This does not include abuse, ongoing negativity or depression, as those would need professional intervention.
An off day is when a loved one is having a “bad day,” and is not in a good headspace, usually due to circumstances that unfolded that day.
It seems that too many people get insulted or upset over something their spouse said or did, while at the same time they want their spouse to show compassion, understanding and love them when they do the same.
The Torah משנה אבות א ו tells us והוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות we have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. When it comes to ourselves, we always have a reason to justify our actions that makes sense to us, even when uncalled for and not very nice to those around us.
When a family member, especially a spouse, is stressed, exhausted, tired, hungry, etc. they can say things that are unpleasant or even mean. In the above circumstances, it is also hard for them to go into a full conversation, explanation or express themselves well.
This causes too many unnecessary fights, uncomfortable conversations, blame, sleepless nights and God-forbid cold shoulders and prolonged time of not speaking to one another. As a result, one or both feel one or more of the following: hurt, anger, sadness, loneliness, neglect, or resentment. When that happens between a couple, it can lead to a deteriorating marriage, and often times to divorce.
Speaking with divorced women, it seems that many are looking back and realizing that the actions which led them to the divorce has followed them further in life. After the divorce, they feel even more lonely, sad, angry confused and resentful. They are more sensitive at this stage and feel hurt by those who are currently around them.
Another trigger that leads to unhappy marriages is unmet expectations. Expectations play a huge role in relationships. When you expect your spouse to say or do things, and they don’t, you are left with a host of negative emotional feelings. For those who learn to understand their own feelings and communicate them to their spouse in a positive, calm and healthy way, it will lead you to a closer relationship and happier life.
However, most people have a hard time putting their feelings on paper. Some go to therapy so that an outsider can help them identify their feelings and to learn how to communicate their needs to their spouse.
Sometimes, couples are just on very different levels mentally and emotionally, and they have different love languages and needs. In that situation, the therapist will likely let the client know they can choose to either 1) learn to accept the situation and find happiness within themselves, children, friends and community, 2) live a life of unhappiness 3) do what the Torah says when you don’t like your spouse and get a divorce.
When a family member, says something hurtful, take time to process your feelings. It would be great to write it down for clarity. Example: What was said, which part of the statement or comment hurt me, Why does it hurt so much? It is the first time the comment was made? Next: What do you think led to this comment being made? Did you say something hurtful and this was a comeback?
We know that hurt people hurt others. Some people will say nasty things when in their mind they perceive that they were disrespected. Often times, this is not your fault, it is the person’s insecurity or their childhood trauma, and they need to work on themselves to correct it.
If you didn’t say or do anything to provoke it, then think about the family member’s day or circumstances, most likely they are stressed, exhausted, tired, hungry, etc. Let things go for now. If you still feel hurt the next day, make sure to find quiet time when that family member is in a good mood and calmly discuss it with them. Whenever possible, communicate and get to a mutual understanding so that you don’t keep the bad feelings inside until it boils over and escalates to an unhealthy place where one day you burst, and it leads to major breakdowns of communication, understanding and more hurt feelings.
We can certainly learn triggers. What pushes their buttons to react in this particular unkind manner. Try to be aware of the triggers and weakness in order to help your family member work on this issue and to get to a better place in addition, for the sake of keeping the peace and happiness in the home.
