In Yevomos 47a the Gemurah says that when a person wants to convert to Judaism, “the judges of the court inform him of some of the lenient mitzvos and some of the stringent mitzvos,”… “And they inform him of the punishment for transgressing the mitzvot”.
These three mitzvos are 1) we are forbidden to eat Cheilev, which is certain fat of the animal, 2) we must keep Shabbos 3) we must give masser (tithe) to the poor. What do all these three mitzvos have in common? They are all about having self-control.
When a person wants to become one of the beloved children of Hashem they have to, 1) be in control of what they eat (cheilev), 2) be in control of how they spend their days (Shabbos) 3) be in control of how they use their money (masser). One begins to live a more spiritual life and earns a closeness to Hashem when they live with self-control and follow the Torah.
The single most important character to teach yourself and your children for a meaningful life is self-control.
The Torah says in Avos 4:1 איזהו גיבור הכובש את יצרו Who is a strong, one who conquers his own desires.
Self-control is the opposite of instant gratification. Self-control is defined as the ability to manage your own actions, feelings and emotions.
Self-control is discipline in the face of pressure from an immediate urge, desire or compulsion. Self-discipline helps you keep going.
Self-control and delayed gratification involves the ability to wait and think it through before getting what you want. Resist impulsive actions. This is in every aspect of life.
Look around in your home and see how many things you bought just because you saw it and wanted it, without putting too much thought into it.
Have you passed a jewelry store and saw a nice piece of jewelry that you fell in love with and “just needed to have it?”
Does the smell of freshly backed goods make you go into a bakery to buy goodies when passing by?
How often do you put food into your mouth just because you see it? This is the greatest cause of weight gain. (Great tip: Eat concisely. Don’t be a mindless eater by grabbing anything in sight and putting it into your mouth. Enjoy the food that goes into your mouth by doing this: no matter how small the snack is, take a plate and place mat and sit down at the table to enjoy the food.)
Marketing experts have learned how to use this human weakness to their advantage. They advise store owners how to use different tactics to speak to your emotions, impulse and lack of self-control to make them rich.
One of the greatest marking tools is FOMO. “FOMO” stands for the Fear Of Missing Out. This is especially designed to get you to lose your self-control and spend your money on items you don’t need.
They use phrases including “last chance,” “only 5 left in stock,” and “early bird discount,” in order to get you in the FOMO mode.
Do this exercise: look through a weekly ad circulars, see which tactics business use to get you to shop at their store or website. Think about how those types of phrases make you feel. Learn from them, use it to stop yourself from being caught up in impulse buying while working to strengthen your self-control.
People don’t want to be left out, or miss out. This leads to impulse buying, and causes people to order things online or buy it in a store without thinking if they really need it or if they have the money for it.
In most cases, if you check out the website or store and then again a few days later, you will likely find that the “sale” item is still the same price. The item that was almost sold out is now back in stock.
Don’t buy under pressure! Take control of your actions and walk away! If you find that you need the item at a later time, don’t regret not getting it on impulse. It is better to pay a bit more at regular price than buying something under pressure because of a sale.
How many times have you waited anxiously to get a certain item and by the time it arrives, you realize that it is not as great as you were led to believe? All hype…. All waiting… and then this? It’s disappointing.
We see this with children a lot when they want a certain toy. They may have to wait to earn it for chores, for their birthday or a Yom Tov etc. by the time they get it they realize that it was not as glamorous as the packaging or advertisement made it seem.
Use that experience as a teaching moment. Let your children know that this is how it works with all materialistic things. It all looks glamorous from afar, until you attain it. The harder you work to attain the material item, the more disappointed you will be when you obtain it, as it will never be as good as the image you created in your mind for it and certainly not as great as the seller made it out to be.
For a person who has self-control, flashy ads will not phase them. They are able to go online or in store to browse and refrain from buying things that were not on their shopping list.
Many experts speaking about the youth of today claim that they are very spoiled, they get what they want, parents work hard to buy their children every toy and gadget they desire and have no rules.
What I found to be one of the best ways to assist your children (or yourself) in this regard is to go window shopping without buying anything. A person needs to learn to refrain from wanting everything they see.
A great way to accomplish this is: If you want to get them a new outfit or toy, take them to several stores where they can first browse and see what everyone has to offer without buying. Once they see what all surrounding stores have and compare quality, prices etc., they can make the best educated decision between all available options to get the best items and deal, before going back to the store to purchase it.
This will help children learn many important life skills.
1) Self-control, think and shop around before buying.
2) Financial responsibility. They will learn to know prices and buy sensibly to get the best deals and the most for their money.
3) Being an educated consumer. Stores often try to push product that brings them the best profit. This may not be the best item for you. Shopping around allows you to hear different points of views from a number of salespeople, so you can make the best decision for your family.
4) People with self-control experience greater life satisfaction or happiness in life.
If you want to raise happy and well-adjusted children, you first have to be able to be a good parent to yourself. Your children are watching you if they see you having self-control and saying NO to YOURSELF when you go shopping or while eating, it will be much easier for them to accept when you say NO to them.
Today’s children are not as spoiled as some make them out to be, but rather, it is the parents who spoil themselves and want everything they see, this makes them weak in the eyes of their children and leads them to be weak in their parenting as well.
Some women, who are on a diet, avoid going to simchas in order to avoid food. This removes temptation, but it is not self-control or self-discipline, the food has control over them. This leads them to cheating themselves out of the joy, and depriving the Bal Simcha from the pleasure of having them there. That is weakness.
Changing your habits, by seeing the food and saying no to yourself, is strength, freedom and choice.
There are men who took it upon themselves to do the weekly grocery shopping for their family, this is not because they like shopping, but rather they say that when their wives go grocery shopping they buy “everything they see.”
Freedom means that you have the ability to choose to NOT do what you want to do. To do what you want to do is what the animals do, it is not unique to man.
Being able to say no to yourself is real freedom and choice!
Saying no to others is easy, saying no to yourself shows your power and strength! As the Mishna in Avos says : איזהו גיבור הכובש את יצרו Who is a strong, one who conquers his own desires.
