The Satan in his powerful efforts, seeks to cause our prayers to be rejected by Hashem by enticing us to speak Loshon Horah (gossip).
Hashem loves all his children and does not want to hear bad about any of His children, just like we parents do not want to hear anyone speak badly about our children.
Where in the Torah do we see the first case of someone speaking Loshen Horah? In Bamidbar 12:A Miriam spoke against Moshe regarding the Cushite woman he had married. Rashi and the Gemurah explain that when Yohoshua came to Moshe’s home and told Moshe that Eldad and Meidad became prophets, Tziporah responded by saying that she takes pity on the wives of Eldad and Meidad because since they too are now holy, they, just like the situation with her husband, will have to be separated from their husbands.
Moshe’s sister Miriam overheard what Tzeporah said, she went to her brother Ahron and repeated what she heard and complained about what Moshe has done to his wife. As a result, Miriam was punished and was afflicted with tzara’as. She was forced to leave the area and quarantine for 7 days until the tzara’as went away, as is the law.
We see from here that Loshen Horah is when someone hears something bad about another and repeats it to others.
When one person hurts or steals from another etc. it is not considered Loshon Horah to bring the perpetrator to bais din or to a mediator and discussed all derails of the case to get justice and restitution. This is what the Torah refers to as Din and mishpat tzedek. The Torah warns that there must be law and order, and justice in every generation.
There is no Halachic issue for a child to tell a parent when they or their feelings were hurt by another child or adult. We must remember that children can perceive things differently than reality so we cannot retell their stories to others (unless you need guidance on dealing with an issue) so they can be taught how to handle issues and bullies etc. However, they should not repeat things that were done to others, or something they heard from other children. Gossip is Loshen Horah – Seeking justice and guidance from the correct Torah source is not.
What if you have a hard time observing the Mitzvah of Shmiras Haloshon – Guarding your tongue from gossip?
Think about it: a person walks along the seashore, he sees the sea washed ashore a large amount of precious gems, would he (even if he is wealthy) refrain from picking up the gems just because it’s impossible to pick up ALL gems? Of course not! The same is with gossip. Start picking up as much as you can by refraining from one gossip at a time. Each time you refrain from sharing or listening to gossip, you picked up another gem. This gem is yours forever. With time and prayer asking Hashem for help, you will conquer this bad trait.
There was a man in the United States who became very famous for running the biggest Ponzi scheme in history. Investigators said he defrauded as many as 37,000 people in 136 countries over four decades.
He pleased guilty and was sentenced to 150 years in prison. While in prison, he was treated like royalty by fellow prisoners. When asked why, the prisoners responded that this man is respected because he was not a “snitch” (informant). He took all the blame on himself and did not gossip or implicate anyone else who worked with him.
The government hires a person to be a prosecutor, and it is a full time job. The prosecutor’s job and goal is to jail people who are accused of breaking the law. He does so by searching through information and getting evidence of the crime.
Sometimes, prosecutors do not have enough evidence to prove the crime so they use some of these following methods to “get” the person.
1) They send someone to hang out with the friends of the criminal to find out information.
2) They find someone who does not like the person and gets him to talk against the alleged criminal.
3) They find someone with a lessor crime and offer him immunity (no charges against him) if he agrees to give information against their target, so that he hands them the “big fish.”
These are the same tactic the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination) uses.
The Yetzer Hora is an angle, an agent of Hashem, His God-given job is to try to get us to slip up. His opponent is the Yetzer Hatov (good inclination) is here to support us, cheer us on and assist us in making the right choices in life.
Both Good and Evil inclinations are needed to assist us so we have בחירה the choice to do good or bad in order to reap reward for our good deeds. God created the world with choice in order to reward those who chose to follow His commandments and to serve Him.
The Yetzer Hora works as the prosecutor and the Yetzer Hatov woks as the defense attorney.
When the Yetzer hara sees a person doing a sin, he wants to go to Hashem and ask Hashem to punish the person. However, he knows he needs evidence and proof.
He goes among the person’s friends and enemies to look for a snitch. When he hears someone speaking negatively about “his suspect” the Yetzer Hara is very happy and uses the gossiper as the “witness” at trial and tells Hashem that even his friends, neighbors, sister-in-laws ect.. say she did bad.
The Yetzer Hatov may try to defend the person who sinned but the Loshon Hora spoken here in this world may shut him out.
Hashem then punishes the person for the misdeed, and hardship comes to the person for their transgression unless they repent.
Hashem is our loving father. He does not want to hear bad about His children.
Think of it this way:
Mrs. Green is sitting in the park when another woman comes up to her to rebuke her about the actions of one of her children. The woman, Mrs. Black explains to Mrs. Green that her child needs to be raised better as he is fighting with other kids in the park.
This is obviously hurtful to any mother. Although, Mrs. Green wants her child to be respectful to everyone, she looks at Mrs. Black and thinks “who does she think she is? Let me see how her children act in the park? Do they always behave perfectly? Do they share and give up the swing to others?”
The hurt mother then starts looking closely at Mrs. Black’s children, and as soon as she sees her children misbehaving, Mrs. Green walks over to Mrs. Black and confronts her.
Mrs. Black may be taken aback, but she knows she has no one to blame but herself as she was the one who started this by criticizing Mrs. Green’s child instead of judging the child favorably.
The same is when we speak Loshen Hora. Hashem our loving father does not want anyone speaking badly about any of His children.
When Hashem hears us speaking Loshen Hora, He looks at us and says: “who do you think you are? Let me examine your acts and see what you do and how you act!” The person brings דין on him/herself. CITATION IS AVAILABLE!
We know Hashem is slow to get angry, and under normal circumstances, Hashem gives us a lot of time to repent. However, when we gossip, Hashem looks at our deeds closely and does מידה כנגד מידה. He sends the gossiper hardship for all his own transgressions.
We may think it is hard to be careful with our words and refrain from gossiping every day, but when we know that by refraining from speaking or listening to Loshen Hora we are picking up precious gems AND keeping judgment away from ourselves, it is all worth it.
In Gemurah it says that every moment that we sit and don’t sin it is as if we did a Mitzvah. CITATION IS AVAILABLE.
Let me share with you a personal story:
I became very close friends with two amazing women, each born in different countries and different backgrounds. Each was unique and both very special to me. The two women did now know each other very well. All they had in common was my friendship.
Before I moved away from this neighborhood, one of these women asked me if I would introduce her to my other friend saying that since I am so close with both of them and now that they don’t have me so close by, maybe they can connect with each other and become friends.
We set up a date. The 3 of us, along with all of our children met at one of their homes. We had a lovely time together. I was sitting in the dinning room enjoying and entertaining the children. While my two friends were in the kitchen preparing food and chatting, they discovered that both of their husbands were going through similar issues in life.
I was aware of these issues, since both of my friends confided in me when they needed a listening ear and support.
One of my friends asked me how come I never told her that my other friend’s husband was also going through difficulties.
I responded that “I am not a mailman, I don’t share anything that someone tells me in private.” CITATION IS AVAILABLE
I will never forget the look on my friends’ faces and their reaction. They were shocked, surprised and relieved, and had a new sense of admiration towards me all at the same time.
They have since then shared with me many of her personal things, some happy and some sad. May Hashem bless them with tons of happiness.
People seem to have a hard time keeping other’s secrets, which they were entrusted with and had been told in confidence especially when they are asked by the secrete holder “please don’t tell anyone”.
My Motto: the moment the secret leaves my lips it is no longer a secret (other than to a spouse of course) you cannot trust anyone with your secrets. Think about it, if you cannot keep yourself from sharing your very own secret and feeling the need to share it why do you think that the other person will be able to keep your secret for you.
The exception to the rule is someone in the field of helping others or a friend who does not gossip and never tells you anything about others.
Remember: every time you restrain from sharing or listening to a gossip you picked up a gem/mitzvah which is forever yours. It will benefit you in this world as you will be respected and known as the person who can be trusted as a confidant. You will gain real and meaningful friendships as well as getting the rewards in the next world which is the greatest reward of all.
May we all be zocha to use our worlds to be Mekadish Shem Shumayim.
