Growing up, every child wants to be loved and feel appreciated. While, some children get their emotional needs filled, others don’t. Most children dream of the day they will get married and have their own spouse to love and be loved for who they are, just the way they are.
After getting married, spouses are constantly looking for ways to please their partner.
Most people, subconsciously, start by doing things which they would like to be done for them. They assume these actions will bring inner happiness, joy, feelings of love and appreciation to their spouse. Furthermore, they do so either because this is what they saw in their childhood home, or because this act makes them happy.
All too often, it seems to backfire and leads to disappointment, hurt or unpleasant feelings to both. The recipient of the good gesture, usually appreciates the action, gift or love shown, but it does not translate to emotional love. Hence, the reaction is not what the giver expected.
The spouse who did the good gesture feels rejected, disappointed and confused etc. Often times, this leads to some spouses deciding that they are better off not doing anything nice for their loved one, as it only leads to negativity.
Why is this so? What causes a person to no appreciate or reject the kind gesture shown to them by their spouse? The answer: Because it is not their love language.
What is love language? The emotions that lead the heart and soul to feel loved, happy, appreciated, safe, and cared for.
We all give and receive love in different ways. It is a good for a couple to discuss this topic and figure out each other’s love language. This is very rewarding, as you each get to know the other’s needs and are able to cater your actions correctly according to their love language.
Once you learn what your spouse’s love language is, you may find that showing it, becomes a lot easier and much more fulfilling, despite it being different from what you think they would or should appreciate.
Dr. Gary Chapman, a long-time marriage counselor, is most noted for his Five Love Languages series regarding human relationship. He placed the love languages into 5 main categories: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, and Receiving Gifts.
Words of affirmation: When your partner tells you how much you mean to them. They thank you often for specific things. They express how much better their life is with you around, and they compliment you often on your looks, food etc.
Physical touch: Physical contact, like hugging, kissing, holding hands or massage.
Quality time: Focused conversation, use active listening skills, cooking together, walking together, play games or doing projects together.
Acts of service: These include actions that are helpful and important to your spouse. Cooking and having dinner ready on time, filling up their gas, taking care of take of the children, running their errands, doing their chores such as cleaning, washing dishes, laundry etc.
Receiving gifts: Some people feel most loved when they receive gifts, such as flowers, a favorite treat, jewelry or any other meaningful item.
Identifying your own love language:
Do you like it when your spouse says nice things about you? Words of affirmation
Do you like giving/receiving hugs and kisses? Physical touch
Do you like to be together often and engage with one another? Quality time
Do you like it when your spouse does work around the house or yard for you? Acts of service
Do you like giving/getting presents? Receiving gifts
When a person receives love in their language, they feel calm and have inner peace and happiness.
I hear from women, all too often, complaining that their husband is not there for them.
Men, get very disturbed at this allegation. They explain that they work hard all day, to provide for the family. No matter the circumstances, the weather, their mood, they are always out working for her. They believe that this is the greatest form of love and caring.
However, there is usually a disconnect of what each of them want.
The man may be taking on a lot more work than needed, because he wants his wife to be able to spend the money how she sees fit. However, maybe his wife would prefer less money and more time from him. (it is unreasonable to want both, life is filled with choices, and we constantly need to chose what works best for the family as a whole). No matter how much money the couple has, if they do not get their love language fulfilled, each will feel a lack of emotional support.
If you often give gifts to a person who has a different love language, it may lead to frustration. The person receiving it feels that money is wasted. In addition, they usually don’t use the gifts as it may not be their taste and does not bring them happiness or joy.
One woman said that her family was on a tight budget and her husband wanted a get himself a new expensive watch for Pesach. He wasn’t selfish, he splurged for himself and for his wife as well. When he excitedly presented the gifts to his wife, instead of being happy, she was furious, as this spending placed them in a negative financial situation. What this couple needed to understand is that the husband’s love language is gifts. He works hard all year to support his family, he knew his wife will not get him anything, so he rewarded himself with a nice gift. That is OK, However, since presents are not her love language, she did not appreciate the gift and the money spending on it, subsequently, it led to negative feelings for both.
Another popular scenario is giving acts of service. Think about this: a man comes home after a long day at work and takes over the household duties. Cooking dinner, doing homework with the children, bathing them and putting them to sleep. He feels that he pampered his wife by giving her time to relax, as this is something he would have loved to do more than anything. However, after he went out of his way to do these services, his wife complains that they don’t spend enough time together. This leaves the husband confused and bewildered.
However, act of service is his love language, not hers. The solution in this situation, is for the wife to have dinner ready, homework done, younger kids in bed so that the couple has quite time for her love language. His act of service will also be fulfilled by giving her the service of words, time or touch.
When discussing this topic, listen to your spouse, avoid interrupting, pay attention to body language, ask targeted questions, make eye contact. Once you learn your spouse’s love language, positive and negative triggers, you will be able to connect more deeply, and you will have a happier life all around.
